Author’s Note: I first wrote about this topic years ago. This updated version reflects what I’ve learned since then, the trends I’m seeing now, and the conversations we’re having with students today.
For the last fifteen years, my peer helpers have organized a Dating Violence Awareness Month campaign. In two weeks, our students will be at it again: working the lunchroom, visiting classrooms, and teaching students about healthy relationships.
Every year, it surprises me how many students cannot clearly distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships—something we learn through surveys distributed during the campaign. But, back in 2016 (okay that has been 10 years ago), I had an epiphany: identifying unhealthy relationships can be challenging even for adults.
Saturday Morning Blues and a Music Video Epiphany
During my weekly house-cleaning ritual, I would often sometimes turn on VH1 Classics (now I turn on You Tube) to give me some motivation to clean. One Saturday, my favorite band’s music video came on, and I stopped to watch—again. By the way, I am still listening to the same band.
To my surprise, I noticed a violent undertone in the storyline—something I had completely missed in all the times I’d seen it before. Here’s the scenario: the couple has a physical altercation, yet the next scene shows them making out on the hood of a car. By the way, if you are over 40, you probably guessed the name of the band. If you are clueless, google the scene and the video will pop up for you.
I asked my teenage kids, who were watching with me, “I wonder what caused her to want to leave? Looks like an unhealthy relationship.”
As they often did back then, they looked at me like I had a third eye. “Mom, do you have to analyze everything? It’s just a video!” Just a video! Okay, MTV formed by world view...it is not just a video. It is culture!!
It’s funny, but also sad—because for many of our youth, media and pop culture inform their understanding of relationships. And if even adults can miss these signs, imagine how difficult it can be for teens to recognize abuse. So, for this updated post, I decided to search for songs (thanks Chat GPT!) that depict toxic relationship themes and here is what I found.
1. “I Fell in Love with the Devil” — Avril Lavigne (2019)
A song about being drawn into a relationship the singer knows is bad for her — a metaphor for toxic love you can’t easily exit.
2. “Blind” — SZA
Explores a relationship that includes dangerous behavior (a gun in the car) and unhealthy emotional attachment, showing how toxic dynamics can be glamorized or internalized.
3. “Bad Thing” — Jesy Nelson (2023)
Addresses domestic violence and dysfunction in a relationship, depicting the highs and lows of being trapped in an abusive cycle.
4. “The Door” — Teddy Swims (2024)
Details reflection on leaving an abusive relationship that isolated the singer from friends and family.
These are not all “violence” in the physical sense, but they deal with toxic dynamics, control, emotional harm, and unhealthy attachment — themes useful for discussion.
5. “Love the Way You Lie” — Eminem ft. Rihanna
Portrays the cycle of abuse from both perspectives — abuser and victim — in a volatile relationship.
6. “Jar of Hearts” — Christina Perri
About emotional abuse and reclaiming power after a harmful relationship.
7. “Toxic” — Britney Spears
Metaphorically describes a love that’s dangerous and addictive, illustrating how unhealthy attachment can feel irresistible.
8. “I Knew You Were Trouble” — Taylor Swift
Examines the pain and regret of falling for someone known to be bad news.
9. “Love on the Brain” — Rihanna
Touches on emotional volatility and painful dynamics in a relationship.
10. “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” — Taylor Swift
While lighter, it reflects the frustration and finality of leaving a cyclical unhealthy dynamic.
My Personal Memory from High School
Reflecting on my own youth, I remember a girl in 9th grade dating an older, popular quarterback. On the surface, it seemed romantic and enviable. But over time, her behavior and appearance changed dramatically:
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She stopped wearing makeup.
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She rarely went out with friends.
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She seemed sad and withdrawn.
Looking back, I now recognize the signs of abuse that I once missed:
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She walked behind him in public.
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She kept her head down to avoid accusations.
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She couldn’t talk to others while they were together.
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She had to be home at a certain time for phone calls.
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He would pinch her in public if he was angry.
Even her parents didn’t intervene—even though her father was a police officer.
This experience taught me that abuse is not always physical. Emotional, psychological, and controlling behaviors are equally harmful. And when I finally recognized these signs, I made a conscious decision to educate myself—something that has served me well as a school counselor.
Why Awareness Matters for Students
Teens today face challenges in identifying unhealthy relationships:
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Peer pressure and social norms can normalize controlling or manipulative behaviors.
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Media often glamorizes unhealthy dynamics as romantic or exciting.
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Many young people lack safe spaces to discuss relationship struggles.
Dating Violence Awareness Month is a perfect opportunity for schools to educate students, parents, and staff about:
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Signs of unhealthy or abusive relationships
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Healthy communication and boundaries
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Resources and support systems
Resources for Educators, Parents, and Students
Informational Podcasts:
Past Blog Posts:
Engaging Students in Awareness Campaigns
Encourage student participation through hands-on campaigns:
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Dating Violence Awareness Kits – classroom-ready resources
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Safety Planning Activities – help students learn how to protect themselves and friends
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That’s Not Cool Ambassador Program – peer-led initiatives promoting healthy relationships
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Healthy Relationships Lesson Plans – interactive lessons to identify signs of abuse
Key Takeaways
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Recognizing unhealthy relationships is not always obvious—for both teens and adults.
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Abuse can be emotional, psychological, or physical.
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Education and awareness are critical to preventing dating violence.
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Involving students in campaigns helps build peer support, empathy, and awareness.
“If we can teach our students to recognize unhealthy relationships early, we empower them to make safer, healthier choices—for themselves and for their friends.”
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