Tips for Dealing With the Bulldozer Parent

If you have been a high school counselor long enough (like me), I am sure you have encountered many different types of parents throughout the postsecondary preparation process. These parents range from extremely engaged to well, crickets. Let's talk about some of my own personal experiences and see if you can relate.

Types of Parents

First, there is the uninvolved parent who shows up only at the big events or maybe not even at all. In one graduating class, I had a parent barge into my office and demand that I inform him of his students' graduation status one week before graduation. I had never seen, heard from, or even knew this parent existing until he strolled into my office. His major issue was that he did not want to spend money on graduation invitations if his student was not going to graduate (SMH!). After I found who he was, I assured him that he was making a wise investment.

Next, there is the confused parent. This parent does not know where to start, what questions to ask, or how to navigate getting their student through the numerous postsecondary options. These parents may have not attended college or even graduated from high school so they are truly confused about the cumbersome college admissions process. Every year, I have numerous parents who become frustrated with the college admissions process that they just throw up their hands and leave it completely to their kid to figure out. These parents can be the ones who blame you for their child not going to college at the grocery store that you hear about from the next group of parents. That is always fun!!

Then there is the helicopter parent. The term, helicopter parent, was first identified in the early 90's by psychologists as a parent who hovers over the student and does not allow the student to learn how to navigate the life including the college admissions process. Over my tenure as a high school counselor, I have had parents completing their students applications because they were playing travel ball, they went out of town, or they just didn't know what to do. These parents send you a hundred emails about what to do, how to do it, when to do it, and excuse their student from the process.

Oh, what about the velcro parent? This is the parent who is so entwined in their students' lives that cannot let go (even as they go to college). One year, I had a parent who often posted pictures of her attending her kid's frat parents as a participant...geez!

And, now we have come to the new type of parent called the bulldozer parent. Have you experienced this parent yet? I am sure you have and you will know when you have been in that parent's presence.

What is a bulldozer parent?

Also known as a lawnmower parent, the bulldozer parent doesn't just watch over the child, but he/she/they attempt to remove all obstacles and challenges for the student.

If you need an extreme example of a bulldozer parent, you do not have to look any further than the college admission scandal involving Felicity Hoffman and Lori Loughlin. These two celebrities, along with 31 others, were charged with document fabrication and bribery in a college admissions scandal involving their high school aged children. Although you may have not faced a situation as extreme as a college admission scandal, I am sure you have been the recipient of the bulldozer parent's behaviors. Bulldozer behaviors include: completing the student's homework, arguing about a student's grade, yelling at the coach or referee during their student's game, making their high school student's college visits, answering their student's email, registering for the student's classes without their input, applying to the college they want the student to attend, contacting college professors against FERPA regulations (especially dual enrollment students in high school). Basically, according to Rachael Sharman, "a bulldozer style of parenting, while terribly well-intentioned and meant to 'protect' the child from short-term harm, ultimately results in a psychologically fragile child, fearful and avoidant of failure, with never-learned coping strategies and poor resilience." The goal of the bulldozer parent, while well-intended, is to vaccinate their child from obstacles and stress. While this seems reasonable, psychologists have found that is type of parenting is preventing children from developing problem solving skills and adaptability. In fact, this parenting style is causing more stress than distress!! Here is video from Julie Lythcott-Haims speaking about the bulldozer parent phenomenon.

So, in your mind, I am sure you are picturing all the past and present parents who fit this modus operandi (so am I!!). I would be remiss in this article if I did not provide some suggestions as a school counselor about how you can employ some helpful strategies for your parents and students, particularly in the college admissions process. Recently, I found a blog written by College Admissions Consultant, Scott White. White wrote an article sharing some of his suggestions for working with bulldozer parents in the college admissions process. Here are his suggestions for counselors:

1. Provide regular and thorough information to parents. Misinformation or lack of information is not your friend when working with these families. I have learned over time that it is advantageous to send out a weekly Friday email with loads of information.

2. Offer parent orientations and workshops about their proper role in assisting students in the college application/admissions process. I decided to hold two college admissions workshops a year.

3. Provide dual enrollment opportunities with less parental involvement and access. Each spring, I have dual enrollment informational meeting for parents and students about the process. After the informational meeting, I meet individually with each student, and their parent if they like, to cover all policies and procedures for dual enrollment. Last, I hold a dual enrollment orientation in the fall for parents and students to remind them of the student role and the parent role.

4. Use organizational tools to keep students organized. I use a lot of electronic forms, checklists, and organizers for the college application process.

See my post regarding free senior resources for these materials.

5. Help parents set up boundaries for themselves when discussing college issues. This can include only discussing college once a week, only discussing it during dinner, etc.

Dr. Julie Morrison, psychologist, has some an additional tip for helping parents.

6. Help parents to allow their students to brainstorm solutions and advocate for themselves before stepping in to solve the issue. Some useful questions are: "Do you need me to help you solve this or do you want me to just listen?" or "What do you think you can do about this situation?" or "What are your options?"

Julie Lythcott-Haims, a well-known parenting expert, explains that it is important to help students develop self efficacy.

7. Support self efficacy or a students' belief in their ability to solve problems, reach a goal, complete a task, and reach self actualization. This can be developed by providing a structured environment (i.e. by assigning chores) and providing unconditional love. Parents can do this by asking about their day and taking interest in what matters to the child.

See the skill of self efficacy in four steps in this short video.

Additional Resources:


A wonderful resource I found from Julie Lythcott-Haims is her book she wrote called, "How to Raise an Adult". I think it is not only a great resource for our parents, but also, a great resource for school counselors. Below, is a TED Talk given by Lythcott-Haims regarding How to Raise Successful Kids.

From her blog, I have created a handout to give to parents called 4 Parenting Tips for Raising Successful Adults. Check out the handout.

Last, do you want to help your student become successful adults? Check out my Adulting Day Event Guide for high school counselors on Teachers Pay Teachers.


Here is to helping our parents be their best!!