As I am waiting in the drive thru at Starbucks, I decided to call my daughter and chat with her about her week. You see, my daughter is a teacher at my former high school and she told the kids that she may be moving during Christmas Break. I asked my daughter how her students took the news about her possible move and she responded they did not take it well at all. My daughter went on to explain more..."mom, the kids said if I moved that it would not go well for the new teacher. They said they would treat her badly and skip her class." My daughter went on to add that she thought it was best to stay until the end of the year so her kids would not get into trouble. Then she said something very profound to me. "You know, these kids feel like people let them down all the time and I can't let them down. I would be just one more adult letting them down and I care too much about them." After the conversation, I really thought about what she said and the responses of her students. First, I was glad that they had formed such a close bond with my daughter and she was flattered that they cared about her. Second, both she and I were concerned about the students' inability to treat another person with compassion and automatically dislike them without getting to know them. Third, my daughter was showing great empathy for her students and recognizing their pain and their need for stability. Our conversation had me thinking about how we need to continue to help students develop empathy, especially in high school.
Since our attention is moving away from bullying awareness, I think it is important to teach our students that empathy is an everyday skill that needs to be practiced and shown to everyone, even people we don't like. Although my daughter's students were expressing their desire to rebel and be nasty as a sign of loyalty to their teacher, she was able to look below to see that they were feeling rejected and ashamed that they may be getting a new teacher because the teacher they loved was leaving them. Below is a video that puts in perspective that if we could really see and feel what people go through that we may be a little kindler and gentler to them. Instead of my daughter getting mad and expressing to her students they shouldn't feel that way, she sat down and listened to their concerns. The students were able to tell her their feelings and entrust her with that information. Now it is up to my daughter to help to build empathy with her students in preparing for the new teacher who will ultimately take her place. Jamil Zaki gives me hope in his Ted Talk about empathy. He says that we can actually grow our empathy responses by practicing them on a daily basis.
“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”
Dalai Lama
Creating Empathy
Paul Parkins gave a TED Talk about empathy and how it is created in humans. He gives three steps for developing empathy:
1. Ability to give empathy-the struggle to try to understand another person is developed through the practice of nonjudgmental and compassionate communication. This allows us to rewrite our narrative about another person. (Maybe if my daughter is allowed to bring the new teacher in before she leaves, the kids can meet and talk to him or her. Hopefully, this will create the start of a positive relationship).
2. Ability to receive and give empathy-creating a culture of perfectionism can set high standards for people which may or may not be accomplished. These high standards may cause us to be critical of ourselves and others. Setting unreachable standards makes it difficult for people to create authentic relationships with others. (My daughter's students believe that she is the best teacher in the world and no one can take her place. The students need to see that the new teacher is competent).
3. Co-creating empathy-when two people can be with each other through their pain, whether through verbal and non-verbal means, this can co-create empathy and understanding for each other. (My daughter needs to continue listening to her students and they need to understand why she must leave so that this can open the door for the new person to come in).
Parkins believes the skill of co-creating empathy is the missing link to creating empathy in our classrooms.
Another tip about creating empathy, according to Ari Saperstein, is that it must be practiced face to face. Saperstein believes there is a empathy deficit in our students due to their mindless use of technology. Researchers have found that our current college students are 40% less empathetic than the generation before. Currently, our students have a need to avoid awkwardness, accountability, and vulnerability in the real world. Saperstein explained that anger and shame walk together and that shame cannot often be distinguished from anger. Often, students are so deep in shame that they are unable to co-create empathy with another human. In fact, shame must be self reported. (Going back to my daughter's students, I believe their anger is from the shame of losing another caring adult and they feel this is a reflection on them as students..."no one cares").
"We do not learn by experience, but we learn by reflecting on our experience."
John Dewey
Michelle Borba believes that empathy is not innate. In fact, in her research, she found that empathy is not high on the list for schools and it shows in students' behavior. Again, she reiterates that empathy must be practiced and must be actively experienced. According to Borba, true empathy moments can transform a person. Empathy is learned through habits of the heart and even simple signs can remind students what to do (i.e. stop and talk to someone). (As an experiment, maybe my daughter can have her students practice the skills of empathy by posting signs and having students watch a movie that shows a new teacher coming into the class for the first time. The students can discuss the feelings of the students and the teacher...just a thought).
“If I look at the mass, I will never act. If I look at the one, I will.”
Mother Teresa
Since November 13th is World Kindness Day, let's continue to help students and staff members practice new skills, start small (empathizing with one person), and eventually making it a way of life in their school.
If you miss World Kindness Day, another potential awareness day for kindness includes Random Acts of Kindness.
Also, if you are looking additional resources for students to practice their acts of empathy and kindness, here is a list that you can refer to throughout the year.
Kindness Acts-list of acts of kindness for students.
Generation On-organization that promotes kindness and service learning.
21 Day Kindness Challenge-21 days of practicing kindness in your school.
40 Kindness Activities -a list of 40 ways for student to show kindness.
Free Kindness Printable-free printable for students.
Great Kindness Challenge-sign your school up for the kindness challenge.
Random Acts of Kindness-guidebook to celebrate RAK month.
Learning to Give Yearly Calendar-yearly dates of how to help others.
Compassion Games-students can sign up to play each September and April.
100 Ways to Volunteer-a list of 100 ways for students to volunteer and help others.
Great Kindness Toolkit
Empathy Building Activities for High School Students-need ideas on how to build empathy in your school? Check out this list of activities.
National School Climate Center-find research and information about creating a culture of kindness in your school.
Civility Contract for Presidential Election-even though this is from 2016, this can be used for the upcoming 2020 election.
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